At the start of 2016, I left my religion. Which religion it was doesn’t really matter for this introduction (although I’m sure if you’re really interested it won’t be hard to find out from my blog posts). The only thing you really need to know is that it was a pretty all-encompassing one, where nearly every aspect of my life was taken care of, from food to clothes to timetables. I’ve got nothing against the religion, in fact I know it can be pretty beautiful. What I do know is that it wasn’t really me. And that knowledge was killing a little part of me every single day.
And so I left. Everything and everyone I ever knew. It was a pretty rough journey to realising I could actually leave let alone packing that bag and leaving for the mountains of France. But I finally did it, sure in the knowledge that I was finally going to be able to start my life.
Cut to three years later and my life was no closer to beginning; in fact I think I had managed to go backwards. I had lost the hope that my life was worth fighting for, I had settled for a life of living for the weekends, and I’d had enough. It was time to do something about it because if I didn’t, well, to be truthfully honest, I didn’t know how long I’d be able to keep going for. So I started this blog, partly to share my journey with others and partly because writing has always been a relief for me.
Depression is something I have lived with for as long as I can remember, and I always thought once I had changed all those external barriers to happiness, we’d be able to part ways as friends. But that was only partly true; the Blue Healer hasn’t gone anywhere, but he most definitely is my friend. Leaving religion is a lot like ‘coming out’, it’s the best way I can describe it. You overturn everything you’ve ever been told is true about yourself, everything everyone else believes is true of you, and quite a lot of things you had convinced yourself to be true too. You can’t get rid of that much baggage with one 24 hour coach journey. In my case there was a whole load of other factors too; like crippling shyness, introvertedness, issues with body image, and absolutely no confidence or self-esteem. Lots of good blogging content if nothing else.
So this is my story for which there is no manual, no set of instructions, and currently no companions to share my journey with. I am yet to meet anyone who has left the same religion as me, and I know how messy and confusing it can all be when you’re doing it on your own. I hope therefore that my ramblings, embarassments, raw truths and lessons learned will help others who might be going through something similar. We’re in this together, even if it’s through wireless signals and cable wires.
I just wanted to leave you with the song that inspired the name of this blog and the pet name I have for my depression. I haven’t come across anything that better describes it.
Until next time,